Signs, Songs & Syncs

Our connection is putting my telepathy and observation to overdrive. Since we’re not in direct communication now, Twin’s heart messages to me come in the form of songs (his favourite avenue) and synchronicity in the form of short messages “anywhere” and from “anyone”. How do I know it’s from him? It’s simply due to the fact that they always appear out of context with what’s normal in the 3D world and he’s always in my field of awareness, like 24/7, so we’re always connected through our very own Twinship Hi-Speed Ethernet. It can get tiring being always in this Hi-Speed connection so I understand very well why he’d need physical space from me. Even for me, it’s overwhelming and hard to focus on my daily life. It’s like having one foot in one dimension and another foot in another. I need to ground myself more in Gaia.

As an example of one on the 11th of June:

So, yesterday was my daughter’s dancing class and to the archery range afterwards. Nothing notable happened, no signs neither. However, during the shooting session, the song “Don’t give up” sounded. After we finished the arrows, I was drawn to the 5.90 shop. Read two blatant messages on different bags (I bought two to organise things):

  1. Feelings conveyed. Your smile is like a breeze in my mind. We may be far apart, but we’re always together in our hearts.
  2. Weather’s nice with blue sky. I feel so good. What are your plans next weekend?

Huh?! Wow.

Then, the passenger on LRT right in front of me. Her bag says:

Please don’t forget about all the good times we shared…

Well, earlier during the dancing lesson, I was prompted to read my first diary entry that I sent to him. It seems that it was emotional for him because I sensed that he’s rereading the part where “I was silently observing him and subsequently feeling endearment for him”. I was crying his tears, because how else would reading my own entry be moving? Well, the last message I received yesterday just confirmed my supposition.

Rejoice with rejections

The core issue with the fear of rejection is the ancient trauma of being abandoned by Source–when humanity fell from the higher dimensions. It is traumatising because the ego makes up all kinds of story about the reason of this “shunning” from its Life Giver, even though it’s not the reality. A common unfounded assumption–it’s because you’re unworthy.

As with all traumas, it must be unravelled emotionally rather than thinking about it. First of all, we need to understand that rejection is part of life, because it’s due to energetic mismatch between the parties. But when someone whom you love refuses to have anything to do with you, and do their best to ignore or even shun you with “others’ help”, it is a great opportunity for you to release the trauma of rejection once and for all when you deeply feel the pain of it. Those who reject you are doing a great service, perhaps albeit unknowingly.

I had asthma as a baby, although genetically predisposed to it from my maternal grandfather, I eventually found out that it’s due to feeling the rejection from both my biological parents while I was still in the womb. My father wanted a son (I’m female) and my mother wasn’t truly enthusiastic about her pregnancy. This rejection bears uncanny similarity to “falling from grace” and it’s also a karmic burden which I’ve volunteered to clear in regards to my family lineage. I find it interesting that whenever I’m undergoing intense emotional purging, I tend to feel tightness in my chest (akin to asthma) and get chronic sinusitis although I’m no longer asthmatic since I was 8.

It’s not often that you get the gift of rejection that breaks you down to your very core, so when you do receive it, cry your heart out if you have to, whatever that makes you sleep like a baby afterwards. You will be alright, and from then on, every rejection that comes your way will be viewed as it is, either the timing is not right, or, there’s something or someone better-matched waiting for you along the journey.

Say you won’t let go

Yesterday morning, a song on air that caught my ear in the car (it’s a lady driver, just like the first time we went to Atria again, and the first time we went to Twin’s house, which I’ve just realised), Say You Won’t Let Go by James Arthur. When I read the lyrics, they brought tears to my eyes. Here, I’ve taken out the parts irrelevant to us. I heard it again at the poolside in the evening.

I met you in the dark
You lit me up
You made me feel as though
I was enough

I knew I loved you then
But you’d never know
‘Cause I played it cool when I was scared of letting go
I knew I needed you
But I never showed
But I wanna stay with you
Until we’re grey and old
Just say you won’t let go
Just say you won’t let go

When you looked over your shoulder
For a minute I forget that I’m older
I wanna dance with you right now, oh
And you look as beautiful as ever
And I swear that every day you get better
You make me feel this way somehow

I’m so in love with you
And I hope you know
Darling, your love is more than worth its weight in gold
We’ve come so far, my dear
Look how we’ve grown
And I wanna stay with you
Until we’re grey and old
Just say you won’t let go
Just say you won’t let go

I wanna live with you
Even when we’re ghosts
‘Cause you were always there for me
When I needed you most

I’m gonna love you ’til
My lungs give out
I promise ’til death we part
Like in our vows
So I wrote this song for you
Now everybody knows
That it’s just you and me
Until we’re grey and old
Just say you won’t let go
Just say you won’t let go

Just say you won’t let go
Oh, just say you won’t let go

He always remind me of the love we have for each other, this love that holds us together throughout the ages. It’s not that love hurts, it’s just that, when we vowed to be together no matter what, it’s a tall order in the fallen world. That world is long gone as we’re rising to the 5th dimension, where there is only clarity. In order to be comfortable in this new dimension, the New Earth, all heavy vibrations caused by unresolved traumas have to be released, each and every one of them. This is the best time. But as all who are going through this purging process know, it is most uncomfortable, even disorienting. Feeling this only shows that we’re on the right track. The irony is, even that vow needs to be released. We don’t need any vow or promise in the New Earth, what we need is to be Love. When the right elements meet, they will be attracted together anyway.

Of course, there’s another reason for purging unresolved traumas, we can’t leave this planet when our energetic body is scattered everywhere in the lower dimensions. Releasing frozen emotions will release the soul pieces from these dimensions that hold them. This work can only be done when we’re still in our physical vessel, as we need to ground into Gaia with this vessel and because we were originally traumatised while being in a physical form.

Free all frozen emotions

This silence, a deafening silence in 3D is about the ego being told to take a backseat and let the 5D higher self to get through. In the end, all that’s left will be Love.

All frozen emotions, crap and chains from the past, present and even “future” need to be done with. They don’t belong to you but your cells have caught on them because feelings were frozen when you’re traumatised and they never get to be released and resolved. When still stuck to you, they always bring people that reflect that to you repeatedly until you break free of them from YOURSELF. It has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with YOU. Your Twin will always avoid you when you’re still “crappy” so that you can stay still in the eye of the storm–just let the storm break and wash away everything that’s not you. It often feels hellish when that happens, it’s because on an energetic level, all hell is breaking loose.

Physical symptoms will manifest as skin irritation and general unwellness, all health weaknesses will often be aggravated more than usual, and emotionally you’ll feel like you’re dying–it’s the Dark Night of the Soul (DNS). Yes, your ego is dying, or rather, beginning to accept its place in the back seat after all these millennia. To undergo many DNS within a single lifetime is nothing short of miraculous. And that’s exactly what all of us must go through to get to the Other Side, where you’re your full magnificent self again.

Special note: Using your soul’s discernment, please take only whatever resonates with you.

Sorry, you’re not my type. (Ouch)

This type thing is complicated. I originally thought that it’s fixed but it resulted to be fluid for me. But I’m going to touch on this with a past life perspective, by taking my experience into account.

During many past lives as a female, I had been repeatedly abducted by older men with Caucasian features who forced themselves on me, and to complicate things even more, I’ve also had different lives whereby my Twin had Caucasian features and I, of an ethnicity different from himself.

Anyhow, my Twin indirectly expressed his hurt to me last year that I wasn’t physically attracted to him (we’re now both Cantonese although I have mixed features due to my late dad’s uncertain ancestry). I only found out the reasons recently. It’s because of Stockholm Syndrome, of the self’s protective mechanism to force itself to find the captor attractive. (So, seriously, my dear Twin, cliché as it is; It’s not you, it’s ME.)

Now, since I’ve consciously done my work in energetically separating from my past life captor, I no longer find Caucasian features attractive. Not like before, in fact, I’m now slightly repelled by them. The only exception was last Saturday, I was carrying a big bag and archery bows, when a boyish “European” guy hurried to open the door for me from the other side and as I looked him in the eye to thank him, I thought I saw my Twin! He smiled and nodded. If my Twin had been a “European”, he’d look very much like him.

This morning, I had another realization. If “Agent Smith” has the capacity to appear in different people, “activating” different people to serve his agenda, then both my Twin and I will have that capacity too, “activating” different people who have similar vibrations as us. This physical separation then has this function too, because when we miss each other’s physical presence, we would somehow manifest our presence through the people that surround our Twin or touch their life however briefly.

So this battle between Light and Dark is not only within ourselves to clear traumas and karmic lineages, it’s also about making your Light presence flow through / activate others who are receptive (those leaning on the Light side) so that the tipping point is reached. The 100th monkey effect.

We still find ourselves “together” despite appearances, as soul magnetism transcends time and space. Our being physically separate for now serves a divine purpose and “kills several birds with one stone”. It’s now evident that it’s all the more important to trust in your Heart regarding your everlasting Union with your Twin no matter how things look on the surface right now. Be joyful and grateful for that’s how you’ll most likely feel your Twin close to you.

Special note: Using your soul’s discernment, please take only whatever resonates with you.

Heal from emotional incest

I’m exploring the topic of emotional incest and finding myself in its grip. I only saw it clearly after my twin showed his issues to me last year. It’s a mirroring thing. We’re both suffering from its effects. Also, the threefold set of core wounds; the fear of rejection, abandonment and entanglement. All of these are related to childhood/adolescent emotional incest.

What is most horrifying is that, how rampant it is in society. I could literally see this in almost everyone I’ve ever met. Parents vampiring off their own offsprings. It’s a generational issue. Figuratively speaking, sins of the fathers are passed on to the sons. It’s due to a disconnect to their core, the heart and life source that are found in the centre of their beings. Life, for most, is a constant merry-go-round of seeking for love and approval from the outside, from other people. It’s a covert form of energy vampirism. As long as we keep doing that, we’ll never be on the road to true freedom from the many neurosis or psychosis that plague us. Worst of all, as parents or caretakers, we will rob the young ones their right to mature into whole and healthy people. It’s time to look within and untangle the mess from the inside out. Others can only be a mirror and somewhat show you your issues when you start accusing or seeing them acting out unwholesomely.

My next step:

Allocate time to do the EFT with the provided scripts.

It’s time to heal ourselves, to rewire faulty inner networks.

 

Message to my twin:

I know you’re hurting (and missing me). Perhaps wondering, whether we would ever see each other again, to gaze into each other’s eyes while being whole people. We belong together. I’ve never refuted that fact. I’ve never told you to get out of my life. Neither did you. But I felt very hurt when months ago, you told me to go on with my life and that you’ll not respond anymore. That cut deep. Yet I was still able to take a deep breath and consider things from another perspective.

So what I’m doing now–I’m going to heal myself and love myself as much as I can. I miss you too but it’s a fallacy that we’re apart. I hear you–in times of silent desperation, even when I’m buried in work, or when I get a scolding with the unmistakable f-cking word. I hear you–when you calm me down whenever I feel overwhelmed by Zara’s unruliness. I hear you–when a song of which I don’t know the title suddenly loop in my head or when I just let the Youtube channel surprise me with its automatic playlist.

We’ll meet again.

-12.01.2017 (Zara and I saw him for 15 minutes, 5 months later, on the 04.06.2017.)
Special note: Using your soul’s discernment, please take only whatever resonates with you.

Married-Men-Magnet, no more

I used to attract unavailable men. Whether he’s emotionally, physically or geographically unavailable, it doesn’t matter. All of them fall in the same camp. What’s worst, I found myself attracted to them too. Luckily, I possess enough self-restraint to not respond to the advances of married men or those with hazy relationship status. I guess it’s my own father’s emotional absenteeism which caused that. But thinking even further back, it’s also due to past lives’ influence which led me to choose my father in this life. Lives as a temple virgin which is anything but, being someone’s mistress and the like. I was conditioned (and energetically implanted) to accept being a Plan B in someone’s life. Marriages were forged when there were tangible benefits for both parties, with “love” having nothing to do with it. To me, love is spiritual kinship that overflows in my interactions with someone. It’s mostly mental and emotional affinity or perhaps matching core values that make me enjoy someone’s company. This wanting to be close to them, basking in quality moments of togetherness.

Now that I love myself more, I refuse to accept half-affections and half-relationships anymore. I deserve wholeness in all aspects of my life. Nothing to hide and nothing to lose. What freedom!

I would even be the example that the wives of honourable husbands would look up to, instead of disdain. It is about being the Queen of my destiny.

-05.07.2016

True compassion will heal you

You may not realize that often, having compassion for others is merely lip service. Because, if you don’t have compassion for yourself, it’s impossible to have the same for others. First let me define what it is. It simply means deeply feeling the pain of others (or self) and seeking to alleviate it in any way possible.
 
These days, I’ve been shedding the tears that are long due from the sadness and rage of my neglected inner child. All those times that she was scared, hurt, beaten, and blackmailed when she was too young to defend herself. Those tears she was never allowed to cry. It’s such a huge relief that she’s now finally able to safely cry it all out, to be assured that those times are long gone, that I’m very sorry for not having been able to set boundaries to protect her. But now I do. I had to dwell in the depths of my despair. Feel the pain deeply and release it once and for all. Something interesting happened after that.
 
This very morning, I thought of my late dad. He passed away almost 13 years ago. Unlike before, I no longer feel my pain of his disappointment of me for not being a son. I cried hard, but this time I cried for his pain, although it’s too late to do anything about it now. Yet I feel that I’m now properly grieving for him and forgiving him. I’m not saying that his disappointment was justified because he was in pain. But rather, I finally understood where he was coming from and it actually had nothing to do with me. I’ll have to tell you about his family background so that you’ll understand better and perhaps find clues to heal your own hurt regarding your own parents.
 
My dad was given up for adoption when he was an infant, to an elderly Cantonese couple from China with the same surname as his birth family. From the little that he knew, he was given away because he’s the weaker twin who had a health problem. He’s the 9th child of his original family. His stepdad had a soy sauce factory, a partnership business. He was kind to my dad, but his stepmom was another story. She gambled with mahjong, was physically abusive and every time she loses, she would beat the hell out of him. Despite all that, he was an exemplary son, was great in his studies and knew how to fix just about anything. He was even the Head Prefect in high school who had rascals as friends. But they loved him even though he calls out on them every so often for things like gambling with poker in the school toilet. They were friends for so long that they even attended his funeral.
 
His stepdad died when he was 14 and his stepmom a few years later. At about 17, he began working part time in a radio station. He never directly told me why, but I understood that he wanted to find his family of origin. It’s his only way, he wanted answers. They would know where to look for him when he’s over the airwaves. He later worked on TV as well. Still no sign of them. He was 27 when I was born, and after my sister, my brother whom he so hoped for was born when he was 34. On the surface, it may seem like just an ingrained patriarchal habit for wanting a son, but it goes deeper than that. He sees his son as himself, wanting to give himself a new life, of being wanted instead of abandoned. He was seeking to heal this deep hurt he never got to resolve with his biological parents.
 
The irony of life is that, he married a woman who’s like his stepmom, whereas he never once lifted a finger upon us. He was like his stepdad; kind, generous and honorable. He never talked bad about mom to us, but she always found faults with him, lamented about them to me and basically put herself as the victim. Inevitably, with a young and susceptible mind, I would hold some resentment towards dad, which was what she wanted. How terribly regretful I was to find out about the truth only after he passed away at the young age of 48. His repressed anger ate him up from the inside with cancer. He never heard from his family of origin, but he had already given up years before. My brother was 14 when dad left all of us.
 
As an onlooker, you may think that perhaps my dad had a better life being adopted as the only son rather than being the last child in a very big family which probably couldn’t properly care for him. Who knows what his biological parents thought? Yet the emotional pain from being abandoned by one’s parents is very real. Where does such a child find his roots? His self-worth?
 
Being a mother myself, I finally understood that our parents had good intentions for us and were doing their best the only way they knew how. Due to their own unresolved emotional trauma, they won’t even know that they have hurt us. Just be aware that your own unresolved trauma will be handed down to your child like clockwork, perpetuating a vicious cycle. Of course, you could choose to forgo having children altogether. But for those who chose to be parents, is there a way out? Definitely.
Even if you’re not a biological parent, you owe it to your inner child for healing their wounds which unconsciously affect your daily life. The key is to have compassion for yourself, trigger your old pains, cry yourself out and journal about it. Talking it out with a therapist or friend wouldn’t work as well (unless they could trigger your heartfelt tears), because emotional hurts are held in your body’s cellular memory. Whatever was felt needs to be released in the same way, by deeply feeling it again. This process may take days, weeks or months. Only then, will you break the cycle and be free.
-26/01/2016
Special note: Using your soul’s discernment, please take only whatever resonates with you.

B.Y.E.

I smiled, “BYE!” and opened my arms. He kept silent and gave me a half-assed hug, while still on the driver’s seat.

My dear twin,

I know I’ve said goodbye before (after some frustration), and I’ve said it another time to your face (lighthearted), just a few days ago. Even then, you’ve never said goodbye to me. To top it off, the last time we’ve seen each other was 11 months ago, because you declined all of the few invitations to hang out. I was effectively bidding farewell to your other selves in those timelines, your less ideal selves.

At the same time, I was really urging you to be your true, magnificent self again. The one you’ve buried deep inside, within the layers of caves and dungeons of all the ages you’ve suffered.

So, Be Your Essence!

***

Today, I suddenly turned my head to the right while walking to work, to see the 1111 number plate of a shiny white car, it’s a Toyota Vios, his car model but newer (it’s the first time I see a quadruple 1 number plate). It suddenly reminds me of the dream that Zara (my daughter) had (a few days before we saw him again) of him buying me a white car, and bringing her to buy cupcakes. And then, saw a 3333 number plate.

Normally, I wouldn’t be on this route, it’s due to having to return to the bank because yesterday, my card got stuck in the cheque deposit machine. Incidentally, she also took a promotional booklet on display and handed it to me because it’s “nice”. The front cover and inside pages have two different pictures of married couple with a daughter. One family was on the beach, and the guy looks very much like my twin.

In the afternoon, a long-time friend of my bosses visited them to extend a wedding reception invitation. I was basically forced to listen to their conversation as he’s just standing right behind me. It will be the 11.11.17 (o.0) which was supposed to be on the 30.12.17. Changed it after consulting some Fengshui folks. Whoa. I mean, what are the odds?

What is romantic love?

I’m proud of the fact that I don’t have any addictions. At least not to artificial substances like drugs, alcohol or cigarettes. Much less gambling and other vices. But it isn’t true that I didn’t have addictions. I was a love and work addict. Someone who chased the emotional highs of romantic love and who was a workaholic.
 
My romantic interests weren’t easily accessible. They were almost always too far away for us to conveniently meet. It is safe. I didn’t have to deal with possible physical consequences like physical abuse, contracting STDs or unwanted pregnancy. The emotional high generated from such encounters served to fill the yearning for “love” within, the love that I failed to receive as an infant. But this need is a bottomless pit. Limerence or infatuated love only lasts for 18 months on average. And there goes another “lover” after the limerence wears off. Once meeting another almost immediately, the vicious cycle is repeated. There is nothing romantic about love addiction. Yet we see it all the time in films, it is widely encouraged.
 
Today, I’m no longer seeking for someone to love me. It is futile, no one can really love me. At least not in the capacity of how I can love myself. Am I being selfish? Maybe. But someone who professes to love another yet doesn’t love themselves is being a hypocrite. It happens more than we care to admit. The victim, the martyr and the people-pleaser. So, goodbye romantic love. I don’t need a fix from you anymore. Since I’ve stopped chasing you, I feel so calm and content, like the glowing ember in the fireplace.
-06.02.2017

What do I live for?

I have finally subdued my Ego. 
I can no longer be tempted with gourmet food, 
creature comforts, decadent vacations, or fame and fortune. 
Anyone may present them to me, but I can take it or leave it. 
 
I only live for one thing and one thing alone. I live for Love. 
This Love is like the fire of the Sun; it warms you, it gives you life, 
but get too near it and it will burn you down to your very core. 
 
How utterly delightful. 
 
I will go to wherever It leads me and whoever It is found. 
I have found my Home; it is Heaven on Earth.
04.02.2016

The Riddle of Karma

Karma is like a whirlwind, a tornado. The way out is to detach, stop identifying yourself to your reality. Observe your life and interactions with dispassion, stop taking things personally. When people attack, they’re attacking their own shadow, even though the subject may be you. You just happened to be there, at that moment, as their mirror.

It’s an irony, a paradox if you will. Dispassion doesn’t equal numbness. It means fully appreciating the gravity of any given situation yet not be sucked into the maelstrom of earthly emotions and reactivity. Respond rather than react. It’s easier said than done. But, it’s your task to finish feeling all the reactions and release them once and for all. The day that you find that you stop reacting to similar triggers, is the pivotal moment that you’ve truly embodied the dispassionate observer stance that’s so vital to graduate from the realm of polarity.

Cause & Effect

A cause always seek for its resolution. In a 3D example, the goal of sex, or the effect of sexual intercourse is orgasm. The cause is mental and physical stimulation. If you’re able to stop yearning for this particular effect, you’ve then mastered the art of dispassion.

A note on the Elite: Apart from mastering the rites of reincarnation to keep being in the same Family, they practice their magic and rituals with dispassion, which obliterates (hides) them from the Law of Cause and Effect.

Detachment

Attachment comes in many forms. It’s not merely material, which can be the easiest to let go of if you’re “spiritually inclined”. There’s the attachment to people, places and ideas, the latter of which is the hardest to let go of, depending on your distortion (the way you’re built to react and respond to life). To simply put it, imagine that you’re on stage playing a few roles and you’re with your costume, props and co-actors. If you forget that you’re just acting, you will not be able to get off stage for the simple fact that you don’t remember your true role and Home. So it’s high-time to see your play as what it is and get the emotions out of your system thinking that the stage life is all that you live. The stage was set up for a very good reason: speedy soul evolution. You’re allowed to experience the gamut of choices, from Light to Dark and their effects, so that you’re better equipped to deal with them when you reach the higher “grades”, when you’re sent on assignments on far-off civilisations that may need your full-range services. This is your Boot Camp. : )

 

This message comes through to you because of your current resonance. It may not resonate with everyone, so practice restraint, as always, when you feel the over-eagerness to share pearls of wisdom.

Written: 02:30 onwards, Ended: 02:57 (07.12.2016)